Monday, January 16, 2006

Unladylike for one night

Z's bachelorette party was pure, unadulterated madness.

Here's a do-it-yourself kit for brides-to-be:
*soothing golden lotus instrumental music in the background*

  • Get your best friend to treat you to a day at a spa. (In this case that friend would be me.)
    Make sure the aforementioned friend treats you to a large, late lunch at a restaurant of your choice.
  • Go with said friend for some last minute girly shopping. (This would include lingerie, phone charms, flip-flops and funky stationery.)
  • Discover during the course of the day that your cousins and some close friends (aforementioned friend included) have planned a night out for you.
    Feel flattered that they went to all this trouble.
    Promptly call husband-to-be and tell him the heartening news.
  • Say goodbye to your companion for the day, making plans to meet a few hours later, all dressed up and ready for a night out on the town.

*soothing golden lotus instrumental music fades out*

And here's the do-it-yourself kit for friends of the bride-to-be:

You will need --
(for the girl)
One bright yellow stretchy synthetic skirt with pink and orange sequins
One fitted, matching top (sold as part of a set with the skirt)
Black pantyhose
One fluorescent orange teddy bear bag to complement the yellow outfit
One pair of translucent pink plastic high heels
One pair of pink plastic earrings which proclaim I Love You to the world
Two bright orange scrunchies
One pair of red lacy hair clips (yes, they don't go with the colour scheme, but our girl needed something extra)
A generous amount of yellow bangles
Talcum powder
Plenty of make-up
A paper sign which warns No Making Nuisance!

(for complete strangers encountered during the course of the night)
One bright red Y front
One very large dabba of impotence medicine
Plenty of creativity

  • Firstly, while escorting the sentimental, gushing girl to the first girlfriend's house, tell her how much you love her. Start the evening with a drink of her choice and kick up your feet and channel-surf while the rest of the girls make final phone calls to one another, out of earshot.
  • Again, keep reassuring bride-to-be that no matter what, she will be loved.
  • And just when the warm fuzzies start enveloping her, introduce her to the contents of your Bachelorette Kit.

Z was such a sport. She wore the yellow child's outfit with grace and an inimitable sense of good humour. I braided her hair into two neat plaits and attached the clips and scrunchies at the ends. Her cousins powdered her face, geisha style, and extended her eyeliner just beyond her eyebrows. Red lipstick and green eyeshadow completed her look for the evening.

  • Proceed to a crowded nightclub and be sure the sign on girl's back does not go unnoticed.
    Introduce her to a many people as possible, after all, it is her party.
  • Hand over a list of tasks which must be completed before the ridiculous club-curfew.
    This would involve auctioning the Y fronts and impotence medicine and anything else that catches your fancy.

Aside: a group of stags is always an easy target, especially when the bachelorette has a posse of women with her at all times. Phone numbers are often asked for in addition to the Y fronts. In such situations, it helps to change a digit or hand over a boyfriend's number. (Sorry B!)
The undies, medicine and her teddy-bear bag were sold for ridiculously high amounts. (Yes, all to members of the opposite sex.)

Again, Z was wonderful. She worked that yellow pencil skirt and swung her braids and smiled for the camera. Even though the future-husband condemned it. (But, why WHY are they doing this to you? Tell them I don't approve!)

Well, I think a wife with a wild streak is infinitely more fun.